Parenting Your Teenager, by Understanding the Adolescent Brain

Parenting a teenager these days is not for the feint of heart; it can be extremely difficult. And what you say and do as a parent really does matter. I’ve included below an enlightening talk by Dr. Daniel Siegel which I hope may be helpful to teens and their parents. Dr. Siegel is a child and adolescent psychiatrist, and a brain scientist. The following lecture is entitled Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain.

Dr. Siegel encourages parents to understand and respect the impact of brain change on adolescent kids, in order to support the courage and creativity which can be generated during adolescence. He illustrates that when the brain is in receptive state, this turns on the social engagement system, so that the brain becomes open to receiving external information, and he therefore recommends parenting from a positive, affirmative state.

He explains how the limbic system works with the body to create emotion, which is important to attachment, and Dr. Siegel introduces his concept of “mindsight”, which incorporates the capacities for insight, empathy (compassion and kindness) and integration. Dr. Siegel identifies what he calls the “four S’s” of attachment which are important to adolescents: to be seen, to be safe, to be soothed, and to make sense. He encourages parenting in a manner which promotes “mindsight” capacities, and which supports secure attachment

Dr. Siegel explains how genetics makes adolescents long to belong, so that they’ll have a group when they push away from their parents and leave home, and that their need for belonging leads them to want things that will cement that identification (similar clothing, shoes, hairstyles.) Dr. Siegel thereby normalizes the need to belong to the group as part of healthy development.

Dr. Siegel describes four aspects of development which are critical during adolescence: emotional spark, social engagement, novelty seeking, and creative exploration. He emphasizes that these four aspects are critical to the human family, and should be supported, not thwarted.

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The purpose of adolescent brain development is to encourage integration, which allows more sophisticated brain functions to emerge. When the brain is remodeling, sometimes it doesn’t work as well, but it is a necessary transformation of the brain. Statistically, the adolescent period is one of the physically healthiest, but also the most dangerous. Adolescent brains (the lower limbic area) perceive facial expressions more often as hostile (“don’t look at me that way!”), in order to prepare them to deal with a threatening world. Dr. Siegel observes that if you don’t cling to an emotion, it goes away after 90 seconds, so he suggests that parents simply don’t respond to some of the hostile statements of adolescents, and they often will pass.

Dr. Siegel explains that two changes happen to the dopamine system of the adolescent: the baseline levels are much lower, which means that adolescents are more prone to being bored, but the amounts that are released when they engage in something are much higher, so this compels them to do new things. The down side is risk taking behavior, pushing boundaries. The upside is that it gets the adolescent ready to leave home.

Dr. Siegel has written a number of books which are useful to parents, which are available through interlibrary loan or your nearby bookstore, including Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain, and The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind .

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